Stoned Vamps
by Razielim Vampiress
Summary: Soul Reaver,the real story.As well as the other two reasons why Raziel was thrown into the Abyss.All of them are frickin' stoners and when Zephon and Raziel come to Sanctuary as high as hell after they stole Kain's secret stash,Kain needless to say gets p
1. The Best Way to Die is to Die STONED!

Title: Stoned Vamps

Author: RavenWolf1333

Rating: PG-13

Chapter: 1/2

Warnings: Use of marijuana and language

Disclaimer: The Legacy of Kain series belongs to Eidos and Crystal Dynamics. I own nothing except the plot of this story.

Summary: Soul Reaver, the _real _story. As well as the other two reasons why Raziel was thrown into the Abyss. All of them are frickin' stoners and when Zephon and Raziel come to Sanctuary as high as hell after they stole Kain's secret stash, Kain needless to say gets pissed. Much better than it sounds.

_Chapter One: The Best Way to Die, is to Die **Stoned**_

Kain was sitting on his throne at the base of the Pillar of Balance, looking impatient and bored. Dumah, Rahab, Turel and Melchiah were standing in their respective positions around the pillars, looking as bored and impatient as Kain.

_'Where the hell are Raziel and Zephon!?'_

Just as the thought crossed Kain's mind, in comes Raziel and Zephon, laughing and giggling their asses off, talking nonsense and smelling of weed. Only one possibility: They were higher than a frickin' kite! "DAMMIT this is the fifth time this week you two have pulled this crap!"

Zephon took his place beside Turel, doubled over and laughing the entire time, while Raziel attempted to kneel down in front of Kain. But instead, he fell flat on his ass and just laughed even harder. Dumah and Turel were snickering quietly, while Rahab just look slightly shocked. Now, Rahab has indulged quite a few times himself, but its not like he could remember half the stupid shit that he did!!

Raziel tried to get up, but just collapsed and decided to lay there, laughing like a hyena, "Dude, I am **SO BAKED**!!"

"Where did you get the marijuana from _this_ time?" Kain asked irritably. He was fed up with this crap. Although he did enjoy violently killing the person who sold it to them, he was getting tired of having to continuously threaten them until one of them stops laughing enough to give him a straight answer. It was Zephon who spoke up, "We found it under the weird lookin' chair you're sittin' in!"

Kain's expression was a mix of anger and surprise, "How the hell did you know about that!?"

Zephon stopped laughing and a serious look crossed his face, "Hmmm, I don't really remember." He took one look at his giggling older brother and broke down into laughter once more.

"Kain, I didn't know you smoked too." Dumah said, astonished that his father would do that, especially considering all of the lectures that he gave his sons about not smoking weed. What a damn hypocrite!!

"I only smoke it when I need to calm down and relieve some stress."

This time it was Melchiah who spoke up, "But I thought you did that by killing people. Why do you have to smoke mary jane when you could just wipe out an entire village?"

"Melchiah, you dumbass," Turel sighed, "He probably smokes the weed and _then _goes and destroys a village."

"SHUT UP!! The main reason I smoke that shit is because it lowers my damn blood pressure!"

The brothers that weren't laughing uncontrollably and acting like dumbasses immediatly shut their mouths.

"THAT MEANS YOU TWO HYENAS AS WELL!"

Zephon and Raziel did quiet down a bit, although they were snickering quietly like lunatics.

Kain cleared his throat and calmed himself down some-what before speaking again, "Now, Raziel, you called us all here to show us something. And if you brought us out here just to tell us that you found out that you can count up to twenty-five again I'll kick your ass and throw you into the Abyss!"

Raziel finally stood up and revealed his new wings to Kain, smiling like a stoned retard the entire time. A loud, "Dude!" was heard from the now bug-eyed Zephon, "Why the hell didn't you show me 'em when we were usin' the bong!?"

"I dunno. But it's still pretty fuckin' sweet though, ain't it?"

Raziel smirked at his shocked creator and brethren. Kain rose from his throne, walked behind his first born, and ripped his wings off,

"HOLY SHIT DUDE!" Zephon yelled.

"WTF!?" Raziel mumbled as he began to pass out.

"That's what ya get for stealing my weed, getting high in the first place, and evolving before I did!! Turel, Dumah, drag his sorry ass to the Abyss."

"But that isn't very fair."

"Shut up Zephon or I'll throw you in after him!"

Needless to say, Zephon definatly shut up, and all through the journey to the Abyss, to the point of actually throwing Raziel in, Zephon didn't say a word. He just wondered who'll be his 'bong buddy' now.

After Raziel was gone and Kain had returned to the Pillars, his five remaining sons were sitting on the high cliff that looked over the Abyss, getting higher than mother fuckers. You would think that they would be a little scared to smoke now, but they would pay the price for betraying Raziel in such a way much sooner than you would think....

_Raven: Well? Whaddya think?_

_Plushie Raziel: You made me a damn stoner!?_

_Raven: What? It's funny. I dunno about anybody else but I think its hillarious to see you laughing like a moron infront of everybody else._

_Plushie Raziel: I have you know that I've never smoked weed!_

_Chibi Kain: Don' t lie, dude! Remember when you and me snuck out to Tiajuana that night an-(starts coughing and choking due to the fact that Raziel just sucker punched him in the stomach)_

_Plushie Raziel: I honestly don't know what the hell he's talking about. (nervous laugh)_

_Raven: Riiiiight. Anyways-_

_Chibi Kain: You say that in you Author's Notes too often!_

_Raven: (glares at Kain) Anyways-_

_Chibi Kain: SEE!? There she goes again!!_

_Raven: (glares even harder at Kain) Readers, please review and I hope you enjoyed the story as much as I loved writing it. SEE?? I DIDN'T SAY 'ANYWAYS'!_

_Plushie Raziel: You just did._

_Raven: Dammit!_


	2. 2 HalfBaked Reavers, 1 Spider's Bong An

Title: Stoned Vamps

Author: RavenWolf1333

Rating: PG-13

Chapter: 2/2

Warnings: Use of marijuana and language

Disclaimer: The Legacy of Kain series belongs to Eidos and Crystal Dynamics. I own nothing except the plot of this story.

Summary: Raziel meets his double! Literally. It's never easy having to deal with a hybrid clone, a doped up giant spider and a hell of a lot of block puzzles. Way better than it sounds, although I feel like I'm not quite up to par with this chapter, but it is finished so neh.

_Chapter Two: Two Half Baked Reavers, One Spider's Bong, and A Block Puzzle From HELL!! _

As Raziel awoke in the Underworld for the first time and looked at himself, a loud "**HOLY FUCK!!**" was heard all throughout the Spectral Realm before Raziel yanked his tabard off the ground and threw it around the lower part of his face.

"Raziel....you are worthy."

Raziel turned and looked up at the gigantic squid like he was a little four year old who had just found out that a monster lived under his bed.

(_Plushie Raziel: Hey! That really did happen. Hash 'ak' Gik is STILL under there!_

_Raven: Shut up Raziel! That's not from our story! It's from Light1's fic 'Kain's Kiddies'. Go read it if ya haven't! The Wolf Goddess commands you!! )_

"You did not survive the Abyss, Raziel."

Raziel glared up at him and mumbled, "Thank you, Captain Obvious."

As the squidish god continued his speech about The Wheel of Fate and all that lengthy jazz, Raziel was bored and preoccupied himself with beating on his hollow chest and listening to the odd, but kinda cool, sound that followed from the small taps. When he started tapping the beat to James Brown's 'I Feel Good' he even started dancing (rather well I might add).

"Raziel?"

Raziel just went along dancing, tapping, and even started to hum softly.

"Raziel??"

Didn't work.

"RAZIEL!?"

Raziel jumped a bit and looked back up at the Elder God. "Sorry. It's just that you're long, drawn out way of talking bores me, so I gotta find something to do while you ramble on!"

"I do not 'ramble' you pathetic little insect!"

"Yeah ya do! I've only been here about, oh, ten minutes and I've only said about four sentances since I came here! Maybe it's just the fact that you like to hear yourself talk...is that true? Becauseifitistrueandyoudoliketohearyourselftalkthenyouprobablytalktoyourselfandmustnothavemanyfriendseveniftheyaregoodlisteners."

The only reply that the Elder God could come up with was, ".......What?"

Raziel sighed, "I _said..._"

"No No! Don't EVER talk that fast in my presence again or I'll send you back to Oblivion!"

".......whatever."

So the Elder God went on with his speech. Raziel got bored again and moved his hand up under his tattered clan banner and started feeling where his jaw once was. He interuppted the Elder God again, "Yo, wierd lookin squid-like thing? I got the munchies but I don't got no lower jaw or stomach. Weird huh?"

Least to say, the Elder God was losing his patience. Who wouldn't if they had to put with a (still) half baked former vampire who used incorrect grammer. At this point the Elder God is getting a major migrane and yells, "**YOU EAT SOULS NOW!! GO KILL YOUR BROTHERS AND KAIN AND EAT THEIR SOULS IF YOU WANT TO GET RID OF THE 'MUNCHIES'!**"

"..................Okaaaaaaay. Where do I go first?"

"Melchiah's terrirory. NOW!"

"Alright, alright 'mother'!"

"What was that young man!?"

"Nothing!"

So Raziel left the Elder God's lair and went to the Necropolis where Melchiah and his brood were waiting, but not before passing through his former stronghold. Seeing the damage, the remains of party favours, and the lingering scent of alcohol and blood, our little Reaver of Souls could only think of one thing.

"Dude this must have been one hell of a rave! WHY THE HELL COULDN'T SQUIDMAN WAKE ME UP THE NIGHT BEFORE THIS!?!?!?"

He angrily stomped through his former home, through the gate that lead to the Necropolis and swiftly took his anger and frustration out on a group of stupid fledglings. When he finally got to Melchiah's chamber after doing a few irritaing block puzzles and working his way down some tunnels, he was calmed down a tad bit, but was still feeling evil and wanted to do something reaaaaally mean to poor l'il Melchiah.

When he entered his little brother's chamber, the gate slammed shut behind him.

"Aw great. Just what I need. Now I gotta find another frickin way out dammit!"

Raziel kicks one of the bares on the gate, but then he realizes that even with his cloven feet, it still hurts like a mo' fo!

Balancing himself on he left foot and nursing his right one, he heard a small scuttle and growl from a dark alcove on the other side of the room. "Show yourself creature!"

"Do you not recognize me, brother? Am I so changed?" Melchiah mused sadly as he emerged from the shadows.

"Melchiah!?" If Raziel had a jaw it'd be hanging open, but he didn't, so snickering would have to suffice. "Damn I knew you were always ugly but this sure as hell takes the cake!!"

"Stop it! Stop laughing at me!" he starts crying and puts a huge paper bag over his head and wishes he had his hands back so he could clamp them over his ears and try to block out Raziel's laughter and taunts.

"Geez You're as ugly as Rahab was smart!"

"THAT'S IT!! YOU DIE NOW!!" the still crying mutated vamp jerked the bag off his head and charged at Raziel. The 'little blue assassin' just jumped on the ledge thingy, jumped down and ran over to the switch in the center of the floor and pulled it back, opening the gate, and waited for Melchiah to try and crawl through the entrance. and when he did, poooooor l'il Melchiah.

"HA!" Raziel would have smirked if he could've, but Melchiah just broke the gate that just impaled him and so Raziel had to go back through the little opening in the wall and do the same thing in the tiny room across from the one he just exited. When he finally got Melchiah trapped in the center cage, he ran to the switch and got ready to pull it.

"Tell me Melchiah, where can I find Kain?"

"I'm not telling you anything! You call me ugly and then expect me to answer any of your lame ass questions? GO TO HELL RAZIEL!!"

"You first." Raziel turned the lever and watched with sadistic glee as Melchiah was crushed in the giant meat grinder thingy. Melchiah's soul then floated into the air.

"FOOD!!" Raziel exlaimed happily as he practically attacked the soul. After Raziel was indowed with the power to pass through gates in Spectral, the Elder God spoke. Now that you have- what's wrong with you?"

Raziel was on his hands and knees crawling into a corner. "Mel's soul tasted as bad as he looked! I think I'm gonna hurl!"

"You can't puke you moron. Now get up off your ass and shift into the Spectral Realm!"

Raziel growled and stood up and shifted to the spirit world. "Am I high right now?"

"No, why?"

"Cause my vision used to be this way allllll the time when me and Zephon got baked."

"Uh huh that's nice now pass through the damn gate so you can get the hell out of here."

"Yeah yeah."

Raziel did so with ease and when he used to closest portal to the Material Realm he was shocked to find a human version of himself leaning up against the far wall, gently twirling a blunt between his slender fingers. No, it was defenatly not Sarafan Raziel. Far from. This Raziel looked just like our little wraith friend when he was a vampire except that the human wasn't quite that pale, his elfish ears were pierced at the top of his ear lobes and his clothes were much different. The human wore baggy black jeans, black combat boots, a black long sleeved shirt that had the word 'DEADSY' written across it in bold white letters, a silver necklace with a rabies tag on it and a pair of spiked cuffs on his wrists.

"Who the hell are you?" the wraith asked.

"I could ask the same, but I've got bigger fish to fry. Like knowing where the hell I am!"

Raziel could see a small black stone in the middle of the teenager's tongue when he spoke.

'_Damn he got his tongue pierced too!?_'

The Elder God spoke up, "Raziel, I really don't know how this boy got here-"

"That makes two of us, jerk off!!"

The squid just ignored the foul mouthed nineteen year old, "But he seems to be a version of you from another dimension."

"Say what!?" Raziel looked rather angry and astonished.

"You'll just have to baby sit him until I figure out a way for you to get him back to his right time period. In the meantime, go find Zephon and get rid of him. He might have been your 'bong buddy' but he replaced you with Dumah, ya know."

"He WHAT!?"

"Yep. And if I were you, I'd go kick his ass as soon as possible. And take the human with you."

Raziel sighed in aggitation. It'd be no use in arguing over it becuase he'd lose that one, plus the Elder God had already gone, so he was stuck. Raziel turned towards the human. "Well, do you have a name besides Raziel?"

"Just call me by my nickname. Raven's as good as anything else I guess."

(_Raven: Heh heh. _

_Chibi Kain: But you're not a boy...... and ya sure as hell aren't a doppleganger of Raziel!_

_Raven: No shit Shirlock! I just let him borrow my name!_

_Chibi Kain: Oh..._)

They were on their way to the Silenced Cathedral when Raziel turned to Raven and looked at his ears, amberish yellow eyes and black claw-like finger nails. He'd noticed them a while back but hadn't said anything.

"I've never seen a human with so many vampiric features before."

"I'm a Dhampir. Ya know, part demon, part vampire, part human?"

"Ah."

Raven might just be some help after all. Zephon sure as hell was gonna get his ass whooped now!

When the finally got into the bell tower (is that what it's called?) of the cathedral, they solved so many damn block puzzles that Raven was taking Prozac right and left (he had a little bottle of it in his pocket). Raziel just took it out on Zephonim fledglings that tried to attack them. After killing yet another one, Raziel turned around and glared at Raven, "You could be helping me you know!"

Raven slid the last block into place, "I am helping you. It'd take you forever to do this by yourself."

".....true."

So when the twins turned all the switches and were blew upwards into that big ass pipe. Raziel was actually the only one blown up into the pipe. Raven was able to fly, making his wraith counter part extremely jealous. When they were both standing on the ledge that lead to the tunnel to Zephon's chamber, Raven was folding his bat-like wings back into place and smirking at his wraith counterpart, "Like em? I know you want em."

Raziel glared, "If you don't shut up I'll do to you what Kain did to me."

He gestured to the tattered remnants of his wings and smirked as the dhampir cringed.

They made their way down the tunnel and into Zephon's lair, only to have the door slam shut behind them. "Gee, isn't this familiar." Raziel growled blatantly.

Raziel and Raven looked over at Zephon, only to see him smoking a gigantic bong and blowing smoke everywhere!

"Duuuuuude! Hey Raziel," Zephon said and then looked at Raven, "Hey Raziel." then he took another puff.

Raven smiled and walked over to Zephon, "Nice equipment. What do you smoke?"

"Raven! If you haven't forgotten, which I''m sure you have, we're here to kill Zephon! Zephon is the spider thing that you're talking to!"

Raven and Zephon just ignored him and went on with heir conversation, "I use the kind with the little red hairs in em. They kick ass."

Raziel's ears perked up, "You still use that same kind??"

"Still grow it myself."

Zephon opened a large doorway and inside was the biggest marijuana plant that the twins had ever seen! (the room that Zephon's in _does _have two unopened doors ya know)

"I'll hook ya up if ya want."

They didn't even give Zephon a reply. They just pulled plastic bags out from thin air and started loading up. After they were finished, Raziel and Raven plopped down next to Zephon and Raven pulled out the joint that he had earlier, lit it up and did the obvious. Raziel glared at him, "Puff puff give mother fucker!"

Raven just handed the joint over to the wraith, although Raziel had no clue as to how to smoke it with no lower jaw.

Just then, Zephon screeched and he gave birth to an egg.

Raven picked up the egg and tossed it from his left hand to his right, "........Well, we know what we're having for a snack. Scrambled eggs!!"

"**WHAT!?!?**" Zephon shrieked angrily. He then attacked them with one of his huge claw like thingies. They both jumped back in the nick of time and were now standing near the entrance of Zephon's lair.

"Nice goin' dumbass!" Raziel yelled.

"Well ya gotta kill him anyways don't ya!?"

"HOW THE HELL DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO THAT WHEN HE'S ACTING LIKE THIS!?!?!?"

Raziel gestured to Zephon, who was trying to get his giant claw thingies to reach the them.

Raven looks around and finally notices the flamethrower that the eviscerated guard/knight/dude had and held the egg over the flames, thus setting it on fire, "Eat this Spider Man!!"

The goth then hurled the egg at Raziel's former bong buddy and when the egg hit Zephon, Zephon as set on fire.

"**AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!**"

"Stop, drop and roll dude!"

Raziel and Raven got a good laugh out of seeing Zephon attempt to do the manuever, but before he could get his gigantic spidery ass up, he burned to death. As his soul rose into the air, Raziel lowered his cowl, "Snack time."

Raven watched with a stoned smile as Raziel was lifted into the air as he ate Zephon's soul, "What is in this weed!?"

As Raziel fell to the ground, the Elder God spoke, "Now that you have devoured Zephon's apostate soul- ah to hell with all the lengthy stuff! You now have the ability to scale walls! Happy!?"

Raziel would have smiled if he had the facial features to so, "Very. Who do kill next? Rahab? Turel?"

"Rahab. And just so ya know, you won't be able to find Turel unless you want to go back down to the bottom of the Abyss."

"Why?"

"Well...."

_Flashback to the end of chapter one_

The five remaining brothers were sitting on the platform that Raziel was thrown from just an hour ago. They're all high as hell (except for Zephon who was already high), talking nonsense, and laughing over it like morons. "And that's why we should build a death ray on the moon!" Dumah proclaimed through fits of laughter. Turel stopped laughing for a second, "Ya know, when we're sober, all our ideas that we come up with when we're stoned seem kinda stupid, but that death ray thing is awesome!!"

Rahab looked thoughtful, "Ya know, I have some blueprints for something like that in my room..."

Melchiah jumped up and yelled for no apparent reason. Now, when sober, Melchiah is a very quiet vampire, but he's stoned, so he was the complete opposite. His four brothers were staring at him as if he had grown another head, then started laughing. In his laughter, Dumah 'accidently' pushed Turel over the edge of the platform and into the Abyss.

Turel screams and burns in agony much like Raziel did. Rahab looks over the edge and mumbles, "That is the utmost WICKED THING I EVER SAW!!" A huge grin split his face as he and the other three retards laughed their asses off.

_End flashback_

Raven started laughing, "Damn how stupid could ya get!?"

"You obviously have never seen my brothers while their high off their asses." Raziel grumbled.

"Enough laughing at Raziel's retarded brethren! Go kill Rahab!!"

"Yeah sure whatever." The kick ass blue wraith growled as he went in the direction of the Rahabim territory.

Before Raven followed, he asked the Elder God one of the most stupidest questions ever, "Hey, EG?"

"What?"

"Do you like sushi??"

"I'M A SQUID YOU DUMB FUCK!!!! I'M WHAT THEY **USE** TO MAKE SUSHI!!!"

"Oh, okay. Just asking." The stoned l'il goth scampered off after his wraith counterpart. When he was out of site, the Elder God sounded as if he was crying, "DAMN YOU JAPAN!! WHY DID YOU KILL MY MOMMY!?!?"

Strangely enough, pre-fallen Raziel just popped up outta nowhere, "Cause you're a lamer!! A SO WAS YA MAMA!!" He then dissappeared as mysteriously as he had popped up. And as fucked up as it is, that my friends, is the end of our deranged little tale.

_Plushie Raziel: Well, thank Ra that's over with._

_Raven: Yeah. I might re-write this chapter though. As I said before, I don't think its quite up to par with the first one._

_Chibi Kain: (Sitting in the corner sulking) It sucks and so do you!_

_Raven: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THAT!?!?!_

_Plushie Raziel: First he insults Varyssa, then he insults our master. What a dumb ass._

_Chibi Kain: Ha! I know she didn't mean it._

_Raven: Oh really? GET HIM RAZIEL!_

_Plushie Raziel: With pleasure. (hurls Kain into the basement, where Moebius is doing the funky chicken whilst listening to his Anne Murray records)_

_Chibi Kain: AGGGGHHHHHHH IT BUUUUUUUUUURNS!!!!!!_

_Raven: You shoulda known I wasn't bluffing! (pats Raziel on the head) Good boy!_

_Plushie Raziel: What the hell am I a dog!?_

_Raven: No but you act like one. Well readers, I hope you enjoyed the last chapter. I may write more, considering I beat the game just this morning, but with school, and work and crap like that, I doubt it'll happen anytime soon. I hope you guys enjoyed it! And be sure to check out my other fic, The Seventh Lieutenant. If you're into egyptian vampiress-es you might like that. Until next time! _


End file.
